first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
