I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
