3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
