so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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