I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
