bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
