He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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