I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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