I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
They are going to name an STD after you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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