When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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