cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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