please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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