my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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