there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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