He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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