i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
