Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
