Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
