Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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