He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
