Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
