then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize