I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
