i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Never underestimate the power of titties
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
