I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
