my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
