I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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