i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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