he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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