On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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