strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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