Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
