Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
