doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
