we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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