Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
