if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
