I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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