apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
