if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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