we have pet lesbian snakes
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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