I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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