There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
