that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
