dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
