plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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