I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
