We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
