Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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