Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
