yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
