I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
